I have never felt more scared to write a blog post in my entire life.
And that’s why I know you have to hear this story.
Because, as a Profile Line 3 with Gate 51 defined in my Conscious Human Design, it’s kind of my Universal job to experience things and share them with you - even if it isn’t comfortable for me.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through any of this is that this job, this Purpose I’ve been given - it’s not about me. It’s about you.
So, scared or not, here I am. Here’s the real real.
When I started coaching, it was because it was in my bones. I’d already been doing it for years - I just wasn’t getting paid for it.
Like I said, as a 3/5 Profile with Gate 51 defined in my Incarnation Cross, it’s written into my Cosmic Code that coaching, leading, and guiding are my bigger purpose.
I’d already noticed the pattern before leaning into coaching full time: I’d go through something hellish, rise up and conquer that “level,” and then I would soon after meet someone (usually a woman) who was going through what I just overcame. I’d reflect my experience and let her know I understood how she felt, share how I coped with the experience, and give her a hopeful example of where she could be on the other side of this pain.
From the moment I began coaching professionally, I just felt at home. It felt right.
Intuitively and experientially, I already had a lot to start with when I was at the jumping off point in my career, but I also studied different life coaching modalities to offer my clients along with my innate skills.
Something magical happened when I found the language of Astrology.
I’ve written a whole blog post about Astrology itself, so I don’t want to take us off course into that love affair - but it’s an important part of this Story, too.
Because that’s when my business really began to take off.
Suddenly, I knew how to market my offerings.
Suddenly, I was better at understanding my clients, on levels even they didn’t understand themselves.
Suddenly, I had the answers I needed about a person before I even had a sales conversation with them in the first place.
Suddenly, I was in a white-hot niche that had very little competition in the small Facebook pool I was swimming in for finding fresh leads.
I gotta tell you. It was a pretty powerful shift, not just in my business - but in my whole life.
It was like a night/day kind of a shift.
I went from living with my daughter in a bedroom in my mother’s house, making less than $1,000 a month in my business in December - to living in a beautiful one-bedroom apartment in a nice neighborhood I’ve wanted to live in since I was a little girl by April, making an average of $8,000 cash monthly, selling well into 5-figures.
I’d separated from my daughter’s father in December, and by the time I moved into my new place, I was a little over a month into a newly budding romance with my current boyfriend.
About a month after that, I hired my best friend of 15 years to come be my house manager - to help me with things like laundry and cooking and taking care of my kiddo while I work.
People I’d looked up to in my industry were starting to notice me and talk to me as a peer, not as a potential lead. They were asking me for my expertise, even.
I began booking plane tickets to places I’d never been. Twice to Los Angeles, once to New York City.
(I later reflected on an old manifestation journaling exercise on 11/11/2017 that said I’d travel out of state 3 times by 11/11/2018 - something I totally forgot about writing in that journal.)
Then I hit that magic number we see in the Facebook-preneur community: the first $10,000 cash month. And in that moment, something broke down inside of me.
I thought I had to “be” something for you, for everyone.
And that was the beginning of my Ego spiral.
You see, Ego gives an interesting twist on your psychological perception of your present reality.
// Before we go any further, I want to offer a little breakdown of the 3 parts of our psyche:
The Id - controls basic human drive & function. Hunger, sex, pleasure, gratification. It is the concern of the Id to feel good, at all times. We’re not conscious of the Id; it is primal and instinctual.
The Ego - seeks to feed the Id in realistic ways that avoid long-term pain/displeasure. Judgment, tolerance, control, planning. According to Freud, the ego is pretty much half conscious, half unconscious.
The Super-Ego - influenced mostly by your cultural & parental/familial experiences. Mentors, coaches, parents, teachers, inspirational figures - the things you take away from these people form the rules & constructs in your Super-Ego, speaking to you as your conscience, or Inner Dialogue.
Ego is designed by nature to protect you.
When we were just cave folk, the Ego gave us our “fear” response to protect us from dealing with extreme pain, tragedy, or anything else that is unpleasing to the Id. We’d experience a thing, like seeing a dangerous animal maul a family member for a crazy extreme example, and catalogue it in our memory banks, for Ego to pull it up for use in the future to save our asses from getting mauled, too.
In present day, we’re not really out here using our Ego to protect us from getting mauled all that often. Mostly, we’re using our Ego to protect us from heartbreak, rejection, and pain.
And because we’re not always conscious of the Ego’s influence on our actions, sometimes the avalanche of self-sabotage, projection, repression, & more all come crashing down on you before you even know what you did to set this sequence of events into place to begin with.
What exactly did my self-sabotage look like, you ask?
Immediately upon returning home from Los Angeles the first time at the end of June, hot off the Emotional-High of a weekend business retreat with a mentor I’ve grown to love and admire as both a business woman and a friend - I acted outside of my Authority and completely re-directed my niche, my business model, my pricing. Everything. From making over $11,000 cash in May 2018, I made just $4,000 cash in August.
I decided I no longer wanted to work with Emotional people. Despite this being exactly what I’m meant to do in the world, I decided I was no longer available to work with people who clung to a Story of pain and trauma. Instead, I wanted to work with “important people” who felt like they were also important. But I had no idea who to talk to, how to talk to them, where they were, why they needed me - because I wasn’t supposed to be doing that in the first place.
I put out a bunch of programs, from a place of scarcity and fear, just doing things because I thought it was what other people wanted from me, or what I thought would pay the bills. It wasn’t coming from a place of truth or the desire to truly help anyone. So - without surprise - none of these programs sold. 0% success rate.
I was pushing away the audience magnetically drawn to me by Universal Design, demolishing my business & income, and crushing my confidence - all out of Ego.
Of course, as a Line 3, self-sabotaging out of Ego isn’t entirely new to me.
Being a coach, I’m also pretty self-aware of when I need to do the work and take a good look in the mirror, myself.
So let me tell you how - this time - I was able to recognize my Ego, confront it, & get back on track in my business without totally derailing my life in the process.
I let myself be supported by professionals. With the help of two different coaches offering two different perspectives for me, I was able to recognize that I’d acted outside of my Human Design Authority and come back to monitoring my Emotional highs/lows carefully.
This also allowed me the opportunity to peel back the layers in the actions I took out of Ego, and walk back to my real Purpose in why I started this work, with the support of successful people who had been where I was now.
Before this, my Ego would have kept me from being totally honest with people I respect. I’d gloss over the struggles, glorifying the wins. “I’ve got this, don’t worry about me,” was my mantra. This time, instead of putting on a front for them, trying to make them proud or be their favorite client, I let myself be broken in front of them. I cried, I was honest, I dove fearlessly into old stories to get to the patterns that needed to be seen & changed.
I let myself be supported by my loved ones. With my income taking such a sharp downturn, I wasn’t able to follow up on the commitment I made to my best friend all the time (I still owe her a lot of money tbh), and this created such an awful pit of guilt inside of me every time she still showed up at my house everyday to help me with my kid and my house, while I fruitlessly pecked away at the computer for 18-20 hours a day with “nothing” to show for it (not true, but that’s what it felt like). I was sure my best friend would leave me, that she’d tell me she’d had enough of working on a promise that wasn’t being fulfilled, and that she’d walk out and leave me to balance work, my house, and my baby all alone again. She didn’t. She’s still here - and she’s actually insistent that I get an office ASAP to create even more work/life balance and boost my productivity.
This month, I needed help paying my rent, and my boyfriend offered me the difference I needed to make the payment on time. I felt so embarrassed admitting to him - having met him when my business was shooting into the stratosphere - that I was struggling to pay my bills and put food on the table. His response: “What’s mine is yours. We’re here to support each other.”
Before this, my Ego would have kept me from asking for the help I needed from people I love - because my belief system relied in them needing me, not the other way around. “People only love me for what I can do for them. When they’ve tapped me out, they’re gone,” was the belief system my Ego held. This time, I decided it didn’t have to be that way. I decided I was allowed to be unconditionally loved, and that I was allowed to be vulnerable with people who love me. Having come from a life experience that told me I was on my own and no one was coming to my rescue, it has been an absolute dream allowing myself to receive the help, love, and support I’ve needed in this Season of Growth.
The biggest difference between who I was before knowing & embracing the concept of continuous Ego Death is that I no longer feel like reality is fixed.
The rules of “before” don’t have to apply to now.
Just because I’ve felt unloved, rejected, abandoned, and unsupported doesn’t make that a Universal Truth.
Even though I went through a Season of Growth when my Ego took charge and tried to protect me against the perceived danger ahead if I kept growing without addressing these underlying Stories, I was still okay.
And that was a completely different reality than anything I’d ever experienced before - which challenged and demolished the Stories of the past.
That’s Ego Death.
Let me ask you something…
>> Have you ever felt like you were trading or bargaining for love and/or validation?
>> have you ever felt afraid to show all of yourself to others because you are protecting yourself from rejection or abandonment?
>> have you ever felt withdrawn or uncomfortable socializing with others unless “you know” or have “value” to add?
These patterns didn’t show up out of nowhere.
There was something that happened. An experience. A relationship.
Something, or someone, at some point instilled the belief in your Ego that you weren’t enough on your own.
This belief doesn’t feel good, so your Ego protects your Id against that pain again by causing you to hide in a lot of ways, to cultivate how you show up to others.
You over-achieve — all in the hope that something will finally earn you the love & validation you desperately seek.
But you can’t truly experience unconditional love and support without allowing yourself to be fully seen, as your whole, imperfect Self.
Take back your Power.
Transcend your Story.
Experience Life (& Love) like never before.
// Beginning Scorpio Season | October 24, 2018 //
I’m looking for brave, bold women who are ready to face Death in order to achieve the ultimate Rebirth.
This is for you if you desire to…
Stop fighting to be seen, heard, loved, & received unconditionally.
Feel more confident - excited even! - to try new things, meet new people, and build community that empowers you (and vice versa).
Shed the fear of being radically transparent & finally get real with the people in your life (and with yourself).
The Ego Death Experience is currently closed
Keep your eyes open for the next Round of this program, in January 2019.
What is your experience with Ego & Ego Death? Have you been able to catch your Ego before you actually commit an act of self-sabotage? Share your Story in the Comments, & Grab your Seat for the Ego Death Experience before 10/24 when the program begins at the start of Scorpio Season!